Dilemma

I was in class IV, I guess, when, for the first time I was asked about what I want to be in my life. It was an English class and our teacher gave us to write an essay on it. I remember well, I wanted to be a bus driver. I was a blind fan of the driver of my school bus who used to drive it in narrow lanes of my town in a very high speed. I never knew that there are functions of accelerator and brakes also. But the rotating action of steering used to make me so excited that I never let my friends to sit in the first seat in the driver’s cabin.

I was a good business planner from my childhood. I cannot remember the exact age, may be in class VII or VIII, when I made a business plan of stationary products, mainly exercise books. I calculated all the pre-functioning expenditures, labour wages, maintenance charges and transportation charges etc, though I never knew the technical terms at that age. And after all these, I found that I can make a good profit of Rs. 1 lakh every month (obviously before any tax …. had no idea about taxes at that time). Alas! The idea did not turned out to be good later.

After my 10^th board exams results I stopped thinking. I was sailing with the waves and never knew what I should do. I studied in the best school in West Bengal. I cracked entrance exams of prestigious engineering institutes. And I found myself celebrated by lots of people around me, my friends, their parents, some girls etc. I enjoyed it, for the first time in my life; I enjoyed every bit of the praises I used to get at that time. And I stopped studying. I started to hate my subject, my institution, its professionalism. I became passionate about dramatics and elocution; I loved NSS Camps, sleepless nights with friends, late night canteens and lots of other things that a studious and careerist guy should avoid. In the mean time I felt in love also. And in these waves of dreams and passions, unknowingly, I got my coveted degree of B.Tech in a subject that I do not know even a little bit. And then I got a job also. I left my home dreaming to be responsible by doing a job and making a career for me.

But really, even after externally being very successful in my life, I do not know what I really want. I am not sure whether I want to be an engineer or a manager or something else. I am not sure what actually I am looking for in my life. I feel jealous for those children I see in this tribal area of Chattisgarh, where I work. They play all day long, they learn from the nature. They know which tree gives sweet fruits, which stream has good water. They learn how to grow foods in a rocky land and where to sale them. Their parents earn a very few money, they eat, drink, sleep and sing. Poverty, malnutrition, lack of education and medical facilities are their problems. But they really do not care much about those things. They are living happily and will live in their own society and culture. They know what they want. I, even being a graduate engineer from one of the best engineering colleges of India, does not know why I am doing this, and what do I really want.

Do you know what you want in life?